A Letter To My Size 30 Self

Dear Jen,

I know it isn’t easy, but take a look in the mirror…are you really happy with what you see? I know you tell everyone you are happy being the size you are, but what’s the truth?

The reality is you are happy with the reflection, because you don’t have any dark circles under your eyes today or the spot you had has finally disappeared, not your size. It is OK to not like your body, it really is and I promise you that the feeling of hating your body doesn’t have to last forever. Things can change, you just have to accept that you aren’t happy now.

Last night when you sat on the bed to get undressed and the slats under you broke again you accepted this as normal and again swapped some from the end of the bed until you can buy more. This isn’t normal, it isn’t just a cheap bed that is badly made, you are too heavy and it is the constant pressure of your almost 23 stone body.

Do you want this to be your life forever?

Sleeping right on the edge of the bed so that your weight is taken by the metal rather than the slats is not a way to carry on. Look in the mirror Jen and see you are worth more than this. You could change and not have this worry every night.

When the doctor told you that your fibromyalgia would be improved dramatically if you lost weight, why didn’t this encourage you? Being in pain daily and struggling to breathe walking up the stairs isn’t the way your life should be. Can you imagine being able to run? Yes, I hear you laughing that you don’t run in the house from the rain and have no intention of ever running. You can be in control of this Jen, you can change your future, you can be healthier and fitter.

Look at yourself Jen, you need to accept which parts of your life you are not happy with and work out how to change them. No-one should feel humiliated and bullied daily by someone who should love them; it is abuse. Is your depression partly because of the situation you are in?

What would you say to a friend in this situation?

Is this what you wanted when you were a child planning your future? Ben needs a mum who will be there for him and support him as he grows and becomes a young man. Ben’s disabilities mean he will need you more than other children need their mums. Can you honestly say you can do that? How proud would Ben be if you weren’t the biggest mum in the hall for his school play? How much would he love you to take him out places like swimming? Yes swimming, in a swimming costume! He would love it and you know he would. You always want to be a good mum, you are a good mum, but you could be so much better.

Losing weight wont be easy, you don’t have to live off salad and you can still enjoy food. OK, so you wont be able to keep eating a couple of big packs of custard creams daily and ordering take away pizzas a few times a week, but you will still love your food. Running isn’t so bad either, one day you could enjoy that.

Sounds like I am talking about someone else right?

No, I am talking about you, if you put your mind to it there is nothing stopping you being slim and fit one day. All you have to do is make that start, accept that you are not happy now and want to be.

Look at it all Jen, look at everything in your life and tackle it all, make your life something you are proud of. Make your life such that you wake up in the morning and you are not filled with dread for the day, but excitement and optimism.

I have been where you are now Jen, morbidly obese, in an abusive relationship and unhappy with my life in general. If you look at me now you probably wouldn’t believe I was so hugely overweight and that I drove everywhere. I am so happy now and you could be too, accept you want to change and you could be me in a few years. I am happy, healthy and I feel amazing. I believe in you Jen, I know you can do this, you just have to see that for yourself and do it.

You have one life Jen, make it a happy life, make it a healthy life, do it for you!

Love