Dear Teenage Diary,
I cried so much yesterday. I still can’t believe it’s happened. It was over a week ago and I can even remember what I was doing that night. I feel so full of different mixed emotions. Guilt, because I wasn’t here for the funeral. Anger, because it should never have happened. Heartache, because I will never be able to stay Kenneth’s girlfriend because his life is ruined and without sounding selfish, if I stayed with him mine would be too. I’m thinking of phoning the hospital up today, just to see if there’s any news. He’s in a hospital in Oxford so there’s no way I could go and see him. Mind you he wouldn’t remember me anyway. I don’t think I could bear seeing him like that. I was told all the graphic details of the crash and it was just horrific, especially the way she died. Apparently, Shelley could still be brain damaged. I just feel so empty and my will to live has gone. I no longer know where my life is going and as for exam results, I just don’t give a fuck any more.
I can’t help imagining what Kenneth must look like and I just feel so guilty that I deliberately didn’t phone him a whole week before I went on holiday. Now all I have left of him are memories. I don’t think anyone could understand how I’m feeling, no one ever seems to think about the girlfriends. I’m thinking of phoning Childline. Timothy did the other day. I may also phone James from holiday because I was talking to him about Kenneth so maybe if I talk to someone who’s not involved it might help me. I just feel so out of it and helpless and all I can say is WHY?
There were two other times that I was with Kenneth before going on holiday that I never wrote about, so I’m going to now because I feel it’s important. I can’t remember the dates, but that’s unimportant. The first time was during the day. He picked me up with Tubbs, Dawson and Charlie. It was really hot that day so he was just wearing shorts. We drove back to their house and stopped by the water tower because they decided they wanted to climb it. So they got out and wandered all around it, but never actually found a way up, so they got back in the car. Kenneth just looked so innocent. On the way we came across a golf course offering an all day breakfast for £1 so obviously we stopped so Kenneth could have one. I sat in there with him and Charlie. It was so funny because everyone was looking at us, but I didn’t care. We got to the house and I sat in a chair and Kenneth sat on the floor beside me. Dawson was opposite me staring me out all the time so I told Kenneth and he started laughing. We then both sat on the sofa because it was free. I started stroking his chest and found his ticklish spots. He had this really sweet grin on his face, cheeky like a little boy, while at the same time he was trying to stay still so no one else would notice. He then retaliated by tickling me so there we were both of us wriggling around. I just felt so close to him. Then someone suggested me and Kenneth go upstairs. We both felt really awkward, but eventually we went up. He asked me whether I’d come up here for what everyone else thought. I said no because I still thought we hadn’t been with each other long enough. He kind of looked disappointed. We lay down on his mattress and started getting off. He fingered me and I tossed him off, this time properly because he came. I was on top of him and my top was up to my neck and my bra undone. He was massaging my shoulders so that my tits were rubbing against his bare chest. It was gorgeous. He was so gentle. I felt so close to him and now that I think about it I wish I’d had sex with him. We sorted ourselves out and went back downstairs, but it was weird because everyone was joking and I felt like a real object so I sat on my own, real silent. Everyone asked me what was wrong, so I just said nothing. Kenneth drove me home and he carried on trying to find out what was wrong. He didn’t kiss me goodbye. I phoned him up and explained everything so all was OK again.
The next time, and last time, I saw him we were both depressed. Him, because he couldn’t get any work and me because of parent problems. We went to Old Station Yard with Tubbs. Me and Kenneth stayed in the car. We then went to try and get him some money, but the people never had it on them. We then went back to Hullavington. We parked outside the church. They wanted to go in there, but I refused, so Tubbs lifted me up and carried me in. We went round the back because they wanted to climb it, but they never did. We then went back to the car and I sat on the boot with Kenneth stood between my legs. We were stood there hugging and generally cheering each other up. They then wanted some food so had to go back to Chippenham. Kenneth walked me home. He gave me a piggy back for a while, but I soon got down. I gave him one, but he fell over my head so we just laughed, as did Tubbs. We walked along arm in arm. I then tried a piggy back again and this time I managed it. He was well impressed. We got to my drive and he kissed me goodbye. That was the last time I saw him.
He always made me feel so happy and would cheer me up in my most depressed moments. I’ve never met anyone else like him. Why did he have to be driving that night? If it had only been a few seconds later. Why?
*All names have been changed from those in my monthly teenage diary to protect the not so innocent.
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Becky Stafferton is a full time blogger over on her website The Art of Healthy Living, mum of 2 and certified Queen of the hashtags. She continually strives to promote a realistic, sustainable and positive image of how to lead a healthy life. When she’s not writing or reading her teenage diary she can be found swigging Prosecco from the bottle, running through muddy puddles, making lists of lists, having a good old moan, scoffing flapjacks and squatting like her life depends on it.